I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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