can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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