I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
