What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
