areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
