just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize