just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
