if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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