Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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