i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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