i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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