why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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