But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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