Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We got so high we made milksteak
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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