so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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