She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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