Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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