were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
