I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
