We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
