I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
