highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
