I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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