I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
