we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize