My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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