just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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