I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
