dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
