Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
