i think i have two assholes
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize