I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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