he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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