My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
