my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
