It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
