she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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