I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
