his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
