This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
