Moan for me like Helen Keller
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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