She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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