tonight lets celebrate not being married
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
