i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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