My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
