Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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