If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize