the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize