i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize