it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
