I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
