We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I've blown a few things in my day
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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