so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
