allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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