good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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