so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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